I've Told My Mum A Million Times

I've Told My Mum A Million Times

Renew your passport. Get an American Visa. Go visit your brothers in New York. If it gets too uncomfortable for their wives, stay in a hotel for a few days. Back and forth. Back and forth.

You've worked hard for your money. Spend it on your happiness.

Don't wait for us to do it for you. We have our hands full with providing for our little children. But we are here to support you the best we can- morally, financially, spiritually.

Go to the cinema. Watch your favourite Nollywood actors. Buy your popcorn. Buy your soda. Have a conversation with the young woman beside you in the hall. Be her friend for the minute. Ageism died with stupid people in 1980.

Don't be afraid to fall in love with a man. Be giddy about it. I am your daughter. I won't judge you. I don't care. As long as he isn't a vagabond. As long as he treats you right. Go on. Have orgasms. You deserve these things. You're not hurting anyone.

You need a drink? Go to a nice bar. Have a meal at Rhapsody or somewhere just as cool.

Spend a weekend at a hotel. Let someone take care of your bedspread and the a/c temp. Enjoy room service. Order cheeseburger.
What else?

Go to amusement park. Have a conversation with a young couple struggling to fit their little kids in race cars. Let the woman confide in you for just a few minutes the stress of matrimony. Lend your advice. Smile. Hug. Move on.

Take a boat to a private beach. Take your jollof rice along. Lay your blanket. Carry your magazine and recorder. Read. Play music. Reminisce on the good times, the good life. Forget the bad memories. It's gone. Let a smile stay on your face as you reflect. Be grateful. I mean, truly grateful. FORGIVE yourself and everyone else.

When was the last time you danced? Have you ever tried dancing alone in the house you bought with your own money? Have you raised a toast to yourself for yourself by yourself for not being a "squatter mum", waiting for handouts?

You should. Here's a toast to you.

What else?

Go for a makeover. Capture the moment. Have that picture. Put it on your wall. Smile at it every morning.

You are beautiful.
No. She won't do these things.

Na to dey record offences of others since 1900; replaying it everyday.

"In 1977 when I met your father. I was wearing a blue dress..."

"Mum. No! Not today." I run as fast as my legs can carry me out of her house. I've heard that story a million times and seventy thousand times more. No more!

You see, the stories never end well. For appetiser, there's always Depression after every meal. We share equally and berate the "bad people" of the world... which always includes me, of course.

"You have hurt me many times too," she'd say (Lmao!!!).

Ah! Mo gbe! So I have to wear that sombre look like a sinner seeking forgiveness from the priest.

The worst part is believing it is my responsibility to fix her happiness. It weighs down, so low I can't breathe or function.

For years now, I've been a rebel. I snapped out of that trance. I nor do pityparty again.

Now when she starts, I tell her: "Mum, there's a cure for everything- there's sex, there's Baileys, there's chocolate, a movie, a book, or exercise. Choose one. I will pay for it. But I will not fund this pityparty you are about to start."

See vex!!! She go shiraaaaaaaaa!!! 😂😂😂

"What do you mean? Is it because I am talking to youuuuu!!! I don't blame youuuuu."

Lol! Toh.

Since I am no longer a fan of her bizniz, she's searching for new recruits...

"Ife, in 2009 when you were 3 years old you did something..."

Ife calls me, "Mum, grandma is recalling stuff from when I was a baby. I don't know what she's talking about."

"Mum!!! Leave my children alone!"

Looooooooool! It's funny when you write it, but it's a huge fight between us.

And I am not backing down :p

PS: Love you, mum 😂😂😂

Written By Joy Isi Bewaji
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