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Random Reflections About My Breakup' By Enwongo C. Cleopas!


After my breakup early 2016, I thought I was lost forever. I literally felt my heart leave my body. I was gutted and then I felt like a failure. Late nights, I would stay awake and ask myself many questions. I was thoroughly hurt, sad and ashamed even. I remember going to places and having people send their love and regards to my friend and I would be lost on how to respond so I'll smile instead. I also remember the many people who felt really hurt knowing that we were no more together. I never knew that colours had already been picked for us. Well we had our colours though๐Ÿ˜Š
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I never thought I'll experience a breakup or heartbreak. Life had given me the best of it's hand in my relationship. The only one I ever had. The love sometimes felt surreal and just simply heavenly. Everything clicked and all that was remaining was a white shoe and some awilo or makosa beats to accompany us to our big day. But then life happened. Like the humans that we are, we made mistakes, disappointed each other, wanted different things out of life and then growth occurred. The honesty about the changes in us made it imperative that we end what we had, no matter how difficult it was.
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The first week after the break up, my greatest issue was "what will people think or say". I am happy I discarded that line of thought immediately because it was a prison that would have sunk me. No one else mattered except the both of us. If we ended up together out of pressure or to save face, we would have been the only ones bearing the consequences at the end of the day. As an adult, I am learning that if I'm going to be the one suffering the consequences alone or the bulk of it, then the entirety of the decision lies with me.
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Starting all over again was hard. My friend was my time keeper, my password reminder, my editor, my diary, my first cheerleader, my teacher, my grammar police, my business partner, my other side of the coin. Everything basically. I would wake up and pick my phone to call him and then remember that we had gone our separate ways and I'll start crying ugly. I missed the calls, the texts, the pings, the sups, the chats etc. I would misplace a book in my own house and he would know from his house where that book was. I would forget my atm card pin and he would rescue me. Being stripped of that stability and comfort was hard. An aside, I forget things easily, names, details, especially figures. Imagine going through life without your backup. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚nna eh!
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I remember when a friend asked "so what happens now that his pictures are still on your Facebook and social media accounts, do you delete those? Everyone will ask questions. People will laugh o". WOW! It dawned on me that dating in the 21st century and especially in the social media age was a real issue. I contemplated deleting everything but then I told her, "all of these experiences are a part of me and I have no regrets whatsoever. I won't deny this. Anyone I love won't be hidden. I'll shout my love to the world and even when they're no more, I will gladly have memories of the times we shared."
Dear friends, you don't have to be ashamed for proclaiming your love to the world whether or not it worked out in the end. You don't need to throw away the beauty you once experienced just because you are no more with that person. You are not a failure because of a relationship that ended. There is more to you and a relationship is just one of the many parts of your journey in life.
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I look back now and my heart remains filled with gratitude for experiencing a love so powerful. I wanted to judge the success of our relationship by the number of years we shared together. I thought love was only genuine if the relationship lasted into forever- but that isn't true. Whether it lasts 10 seconds or 8 years, it is no less a love. For the privilege and blessing of even having experienced love, that's enough.
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Today, I am grateful for Love. I would love for as long as I breathe. I would share that love with the world whether it leads to forever or not. I revel in the abundance of love around me. Love is beautiful. The unpredictability of life should be reason enough to embrace your joy and love and to be unapologetic about living this one life we have been given.
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Importantly, be honest about your feelings, access your mistakes/errors, own them and then feel the pain of separation, cry it out, go through the emotions of hurt, anger and pain and then have at the back of your mind that love doesn't end just because a relationship is no more. You are love. And if another comes to share in that love, gladly open your heart and be loved. Again and again and again.
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1 comments:

  1. Love these lines in the last paragraph...
    love doesn't end just because a relationship is no more. You are love. And if another comes to share in that love, gladly open your heart and be loved. Again and again and again. Thanks for sharing your story.

    ReplyDelete